...

i am the piggiest pig of all;
the queen of grease and fatness, i master the art of lovehands and beads !

never in my life have i been this fat and flabby, i'm becoming uglier and fatter as time goes by.
I'm not making enough efforts, I indulge myFATself with food whereas i should barely eat.
wtf is wrong with me.

Berlin has been nice, but i want to go home... i thought some problems would drift away as i'd change the country i live in, but i guess psychologic, family and moods issues have no borders... and growing up somehow means confronting instead of running away.
I have finally been able to talk about how i feel to my mother (ok it was over the phone, but still) and she agrees with me: she thinks i've been depressed for years, she sees that i feel sad and unhappy all the time but she doesnt know how to help me. I believe it's because she cannot: i need to see a psychologist and she's encouraging me to.
It's something that's been "floating" in the air for years now, and i'm ready and mature enough to face and understand "my problems".
I really want to go back to Paris. It's not about my friends or comfort or anything like that, but rather about facing my (disastrous) life. I already have planned everything for my return:

• dont tell about it to anyone except my best friend for the first 2 weeks
• search for a job immediatly (i have debts towards my mother and the bank)
• try a healthier lifestyle (no more all nighter, less cigarettes, less alcohol)
• start psychoanalysis
• book my knee surgery
• visit my grandmother
• get my driving license
• and diet OBVIOUSLY 

I have to tell my roommates that I am leaving... And it is not going to be an easy task, as I'd want to be back in France in 2 weeks at the latest. One roommate is a bit bitchy and i'm having a hard time with her, so i kind of apprehend the talk.But what the hell, it's my life i shouldnt care about her, and F., if she's a good enough friend, she'll understand...  i'll pay june's rent as well;  i'm running into debts for it, so give me a break!

Also, i've gained 5 pounds since I'm in Germany, so i need to lose 5 pounds before i come back, + 5 more during the "quiet" weeks of my return.
All of this stuff isn't going to be an easy task, but as soon as I'll have talked to my roommates, I'll be more than excited to start this year over, on a smarter, healthier, more interesting note.

Now it's 6.15 AM and i can go cry in my sleep because as i got back home from various parties that started around 3PM (it was "cultures fest" today in Berlin) i ate way too much pasta and cookies and i hate myself.

Tschüß ! & wish me luck