Starting over

been losing my mind since yesterday.
havent stopped binging after my last post. what the fuck. i've gained again.
i hate myself
i hate kitchens
i hate and blame my mother's orthorexia, her organic food obsession, her maniac food rationing and controlling, her permanent requests and critics on what and how i eat that helped me become bulimic and obsessed too but in a wrong unhealthy way.
it has ruined my mood, my life, sometimes even my friendships for at least the past 5 years.

my body is disgusting, i want to cry everytime i look at it.
i feel unconfortable almost all the time, but i care too much to get out of the house dressed as a sack.

i have reached my limit
it's restriction way or nothing from now on.
i'm 21 years old for fuck sake, i'm mature enough to make it happen.

I'll be 50 by next wednesday i promise.